It might seem strange that a parenting consultant writing blogs filled with parenting tips and ideas would say that there is not one right way to parent. Of course it seems strange! We are parenting during a time when parents often find a specific parenting approach to use, perhaps it’s gentle parenting or respectful parenting, or attachment parenting. We also spend a lot of time reading about these ideas and philosophies.
While a part of me LOVES the amount of effort and energy that goes into parenting, particularly as a child therapist, I am also pretty concerned about that very thing. The amount of time, energy, and resources that are being put into parenting our children are truly exhausting and only burning parents out more. We need to find a way to keep things a bit simpler so that parents can actually use the information they are reading about!
I will never forget how I felt when my son was a baby and, despite being a “parenting expert,” just how overwhelming it was to receive the amount of information I was flooded with daily. How to help him sleep better, which way is the best way to help him sleep, where does he sleep, how much he should be eating, how he should be fed, what kind of playtime is best, how much stimulation he needs or doesn’t need, should I hold him when he cries or not, etc., etc., etc. The list could go ON FOR DAYS! And that is just the infant stage!
So often, parents are spending sooo much time reading, researching, or feeling that they should be reading and researching more. They often also have very specific ideas of how they think parenting should go and how their child should respond. There are whole books about how to help your child develop the ever-elusive “grit.” And while I certainly value grit and resilience, unfortunately, not every child will respond the same way to the strategies in the books. Or even in my blogs!
The tricky thing is that once we find a parenting style that we love and feel fits us, we might believe it is the right thing for everyone else too. Or that our child should respond well to the strategy that feels right to us.
Interestingly, this often does not work out so well because instead of re-evaluating a strategy when it does not seem to work well for our child, some parents will just do more of the things they think should help. And this does not just apply to the gentler parenting approaches but the harsh ones too. Parents who use physical discipline (which I do not advocate for any child or family) will often just use more physical discipline even when it is not effective. Parents who are using gentle approaches, might just be more gentle when their child is not respecting their limits.
I recommend a simple solution to a complicated issue. Parents need to be flexible in how they react to their children. We need to observe our child’s personalities more to try and figure out what they respond best to and how they interpret what parents are communicating.
I have met plenty of families where the parents are being so gentle but the kids really need a more firm approach. I’ve also met families whose parents are too firm, and their kids could use more play and humor in their approach. It is all about gauging what your kids need and what feels right to you. In that, it is very family, parent, and child-specific and not one size fits all.
The most important thing in my eyes is for parents to find a balance of communicating unconditional love to their kids as well as firm limits and boundaries. Depending on personalities and specific situations, this will look different in each family, but these are the main ingredients to use, regardless of specific parenting philosophy.
If we keep parenting more simple in the foundation of what we try to accomplish, we can help more parents feel grounded, confident, and capable in their parenting. This helps them show up as a more sturdy leader that their kids are looking for, rather than someone unsure of what they are doing. While reflecting on your parenting, start by asking yourself these questions: Are my kids feeling loved? Am I setting enough boundaries? We can always fine-tune from there!
As this blog series wraps up, thank you all for reading! If you missed any of the topics please check out the below links:
- Erica’s Top Seven Parenting Tips
- #1 Appreciate Your Child For Who They Are
- #2 Spending Quality Time Daily
- #3 Remember Everything Is Temporary
- #4 Practice Self Compassion
- #5 Approach with Curiosity and Positive Intent
- #6 Develop Resilience
If you need further support for your family and parenting, please feel free to reach out to us at Thrive!
Check out all of our blogs in this parenting series. Also, join our newsletter today for more information about future parenting courses that Erica is developing! You don’t want to miss this!
Reach out to start
your healing journey